My first Christmas without Mommy

As they say, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year because it is the only season where all the members of your family gather together to celebrate love, life, happiness and of course, the birth of Christ.

This year, we celebrated Christmas without Mommy. Our first Christmas without her, my first Christmas without her.

There are of course so many reasons to be happy about this Christmas season, but the loneliness and emptiness of missing Mommy filled my entire Christmas season and I always find myself looking through all the memories I had with her.

I terribly miss her…

in all ways,

in all forms

and in every reason.

When she was still alive, we used to do a lot of things together especially when this joyous season of the year enters.  She will bring out our Christmas decors, clean it and wash it. Then, with excitement , we will together fill the house with all the Christmas decors to make our home festive.

We will even go to Quiapo and 168 to look for additional decors that will match the colors and designs of the curtains and pillow cases.

I miss her thoughtfulness during this season. She sees to it that we will celebrate Christmas happily. She will buy me and my sister as well as my daddy stuff we will use for the celebration. She will buy her apos clothes, shoes, clips, etc. to be worn during Noche Buena and Media Noche.  The candies and give aways for the kids are already prepared then. We are busy window shopping at SM malls. Afterwards, we will together wrap the gifts and happily place it under the Christmas tree.

Two days before Christmas, the table is filled with different kinds of fruits.  The day before Christmas, we will go to the market and buy all the foods to be served for Noche Buena. Spaghetti, Salad, Ube, Leche Flan, Puto, Ham and Queso de Bola were among her favorites that you will see in the table.

Then I can see her smile, the joy and happiness of celebrating it with us. When Christmas countdown, you will hear her call us, “Jheng, kain na, tawagin nyo na si daddy nyo. Nasan na sina Nica at Janelle? Tawagin nyo na si jaramine saka yung mga bata.” And all of us will gather around the table eating and sharing the foods we cooked.

Around that table is a family that ate, talked, shared stories and laughed together. Oh, how I miss you, Mommy….I really miss you. We all miss you.

But this Christmas, we celebrated it without her. We were happy, we tried to be happy. We did the same preparation she did while she was with us. But nothing and no one can take the pain of losing you, Mommy.

I tried not to drop a tear when we celebrated Christmas. I tried to smile. I tried not to think that you’re not here anymore. But as I looked into the photos of you during Christmas 2014, I said to myself you wouldn’t want to see us in pain. You wouldn’t want to see us enveloped with loneliness. You want us smile. You want us to be happy.

You were always the life of the party, Mommy.

But our Chirstmas will never be the same without you.

Though it hurts, though it’s sad, life goes on without you.

Merry Christmas, Mommy! I know you are celebrating your happiest Christmas with the Lord. Don’t forget to take a glance upon us through the windows of heaven.

I love you, Mommy and I miss you so much.