My first Christmas without Mommy

As they say, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year because it is the only season where all the members of your family gather together to celebrate love, life, happiness and of course, the birth of Christ.

This year, we celebrated Christmas without Mommy. Our first Christmas without her, my first Christmas without her.

There are of course so many reasons to be happy about this Christmas season, but the loneliness and emptiness of missing Mommy filled my entire Christmas season and I always find myself looking through all the memories I had with her.

I terribly miss her…

in all ways,

in all forms

and in every reason.

When she was still alive, we used to do a lot of things together especially when this joyous season of the year enters.  She will bring out our Christmas decors, clean it and wash it. Then, with excitement , we will together fill the house with all the Christmas decors to make our home festive.

We will even go to Quiapo and 168 to look for additional decors that will match the colors and designs of the curtains and pillow cases.

I miss her thoughtfulness during this season. She sees to it that we will celebrate Christmas happily. She will buy me and my sister as well as my daddy stuff we will use for the celebration. She will buy her apos clothes, shoes, clips, etc. to be worn during Noche Buena and Media Noche.  The candies and give aways for the kids are already prepared then. We are busy window shopping at SM malls. Afterwards, we will together wrap the gifts and happily place it under the Christmas tree.

Two days before Christmas, the table is filled with different kinds of fruits.  The day before Christmas, we will go to the market and buy all the foods to be served for Noche Buena. Spaghetti, Salad, Ube, Leche Flan, Puto, Ham and Queso de Bola were among her favorites that you will see in the table.

Then I can see her smile, the joy and happiness of celebrating it with us. When Christmas countdown, you will hear her call us, “Jheng, kain na, tawagin nyo na si daddy nyo. Nasan na sina Nica at Janelle? Tawagin nyo na si jaramine saka yung mga bata.” And all of us will gather around the table eating and sharing the foods we cooked.

Around that table is a family that ate, talked, shared stories and laughed together. Oh, how I miss you, Mommy….I really miss you. We all miss you.

But this Christmas, we celebrated it without her. We were happy, we tried to be happy. We did the same preparation she did while she was with us. But nothing and no one can take the pain of losing you, Mommy.

I tried not to drop a tear when we celebrated Christmas. I tried to smile. I tried not to think that you’re not here anymore. But as I looked into the photos of you during Christmas 2014, I said to myself you wouldn’t want to see us in pain. You wouldn’t want to see us enveloped with loneliness. You want us smile. You want us to be happy.

You were always the life of the party, Mommy.

But our Chirstmas will never be the same without you.

Though it hurts, though it’s sad, life goes on without you.

Merry Christmas, Mommy! I know you are celebrating your happiest Christmas with the Lord. Don’t forget to take a glance upon us through the windows of heaven.

I love you, Mommy and I miss you so much.

Long ago...

I am a fan of Bruno Mars and I love listening to all his songs. "When I was your Man" is one of my favorites. This soulful song became more pleasing to me when somebody gave meaning to it. And after hearing it over and over again, I gathered my thoughts and was able to write this short poem.


Long ago you gave me flowers,
long ago you held my hand.

Long ago you gave your hours,
long ago we danced.

Long ago you slipped the chance,
long ago was a memory you can only glance.

You're sorry and you're wrong,
coz long ago you weren't strong.

Long ago was your biggest pain,
coz that long ago is a thing you can no longer gain.

I kept in my heart your promises of long ago,
but now it was a memory I forego.

Long ago was a lost time,
coz long ago you use to call me mine.

Long ago there was you and me,
and now you're here saying sorry
coz you didn't have me.

Long ago was long ago,
simply because....
long ago you let me go...

The things I've learned...

I was taught to show kindness and affection to people who has a heart and even to those who show mean and nasty deeds.

I was taught to give due respect to people who value their self-worth much more to the elders and even to those who show rigid disposition in life.

I was taught to share what I have be it much or less to those people who show appreciation and recognition and even to those who have selfish acts.

I was taught not only to share but to give even if I don’t have enough, to the people who have less in life especially to the poor and the needy ones.

I was taught to follow and obey rules with sincerity and truthfulness and live it by example so that other people will understand its significance.

I was taught to fight for my right even if it is too impossible because of inequality. Sometimes you need to fight for your right with conviction not only for yourself but for those who chose to keep silent. Because in our society, some see you more and some see you less.

I was taught to be polite and smart when the situation requires me to, not because I accept their words of insult but because my mind dictates me that it is part of my behavior to be well mannered at all times.

I was taught to be composed even if the moment calls me to freak out not because I am uneducated but because my maturity is tested.

I was taught to be humble and meek to people who also show humility and even to those who are too proud and loud of their accomplishments. I am often reminded that humility is a virtue.

I was taught to ask for forgiveness if I know I’ve done wrong because to ask for forgiveness doesn’t make me less of a person. Likewise, I was taught to forgive no matter how much pain it caused me because healing is good for my health and my soul.

I was taught not to hold grudges against anyone especially to the people I love and even to those who want to bring me down. They may have pulled me down but God's hand is there to lift me up.

I was taught to be silent if I don’t have anything good to say because words are better uttered to uplift a spirit rather than to cause wound in the heart.

I was taught not to judge a person right away because of the way he speaks, the way he dresses or the way the acts. What they need is an understanding heart. This person lacks love from the people around him that is why he easily casts stone on anyone's back.

I was taught not to point a finger on someone unless I’ve proved them wrong because I shouldn’t be throwing sharp words to him for the words I used to destroy him are the words that sometimes suit to describe me.

I was taught not to question on someone else’s happiness because happiness cannot be seen on what possessions I have or cannot be counted with the places I've been through. Happiness is not tangible. It cannot be measured. Happiness is a state of mind. Happiness is happiness if your heart grows in love and you have peace of mind.

I was taught not to compare myself to anyone. God created us equally and I believe I am unique in my own ways. Comparison will not bring me any good. It stimulates unhealthy competition, disappointment and depression.

I was taught to live a simple life even if I have the means to have a luxurious living. It is better to be contented for what I have than to crave for the things my arms cannot embrace. With this, I was also taught to be thankful and grateful for every blessing I receive.

I was taught not to take revenge or retaliate on someone who has done something bad on me. I was taught to practice self-control and anger management. Remember, God blesses a peaceful, forgiving and loving heart.

I was taught to let go of something or people that no longer bring good or peace to myself. It’s good to look back to memories once in a while but to let go is far more best than holding on.

I was taught to view life in a wider perspective and that is to keep a fighting spirit, to keep positive thoughts even if I am in world full of chaos, hypocrisy, selfishness, greediness and pride. It is better to be surrounded with optimism and good vibes.

I was taught to trust even if sometimes I feel disappointed. Trusting is placing my hands in the hands of God because He alone can unveil whatever lies ahead of me. 

I was taught to value my family because no matter what happens, no matter what it takes, my family will still be the first to catch me when I fall, the first to get hurt when I'm in pain and the first to be happy and proud when I reap victory.

I was taught to love with all my heart the people dear to me, the people close to me and even the people who hate me because they need it the most for love is the greatest gift of God to His people. It breaks walls and boundaries and builds bridges.

Above all, I was taught to pray even if it is hardest to pray. Many people need it. Prayers are the best weapon in every battle I encounter. It can move mountains. It can save a soul. It can change a life. It can soften a hard heart. It can heal. It increases faith.

There are many things in life that I learned and everyday I am still learning. The lessons are sometimes hard but I keep in mind that it is part of life. I am  thankful that I am still alive for I get the chance to see the beauty around me. 

In this journey, I am blessed to love and be loved and to care and be cared for. Life is short. Life is sweet. Life is good. It is not how long I live my  life but how I take this journey as I go through life matters the most. Enjoy life and learn to live life happily.

You will always be remembered

The gate of heaven will be opened as you leave your body on earth and your spirit goes up in the skies. At the door, God awaits you. 

Mommy, I know you are already at peace and in peace up there in heaven. A place where you will be more loved and cared for. A place where there is no anger and hatred but only a harmonious relationship with God. A safer dwelling place.

Watch over us especially Daddy. Bring closer our intentions to the Lord. I cannot hold you anymore but I'll keep all our memories together. You will be forever alive in my heart and mind.

I will let you go, Mommy but this doesn't mean I will forget you. This means that I want your journey to a new life to be easy and happy because I know the good Lord is waiting for you already.

Thank you so much for all the things you've done to me and to my family. I am proud that you are my mother. We are proud of you. The most proud of herself should be you because you have accomplished your mission more than what was tasked of you to do and I congratulate you.

40 days passed and that was the thought of you not being around us anymore. Help us to be strong even without you. Be our angel. Be our guide.

You will always be remembered.

I love you and I miss you so much, Mommy! 

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!

This is the first time that I am celebrating Mother's day without you. And it is so painful that I will be celebrating it for the rest of my life without you.

Since you left, everday is a struggle for me. I felt that a big part of me is missing. Para akong napilayan. I always ask God why? Ang daming masamang tao, pero bakit ikaw. Ang aga ka nyang binawi samin. I haven't given you enough. How I wish I have granted all the things you asked.

You were my inspiration, Mommy eventhough we argue at times. I looked up to you with so much admiration and wished that I can also do all the things you did for your husband, for your children, for your family to my own family.

You were the first to let me feel that I am not alone and you never lose hope when I already did. You never gave up on me. You were always there in all my battles and I can't forget all those times that you were beside me when I felt that I was all alone.

I miss you every moment of the day, Mommy. It is so hard but I am always trying to move on and continue living because I know you will not be happy to see me lonely all the time.

Life should be lived forward and I should celebrate life because every thing shows that you are at peace already.

I love you, Mommy and I won't forget our memories together.....

Life without you, Mommy

Mommy, I hope you are happy wherever you are but I know you are with Him in heaven. I know you will be happy to see us smiling again. I know you will be glad to hear our noisy laughs whenever we gather together. And I know you will be at peace to see us continuing our lives even without you. But my eyes still drop tears everytime I think of you. My memories with you are still fresh that I just thought you only have a long vacation so far away from us. The thought that you are gone forever still don't sink in my mind and heart. I always feel you're just around and I miss every piece of being with you, Mommy. I just wish I have granted all the things you asked for and have shown you how glad and proud I am that you are my Mommy. I just wish I often say to you Thank you and I love you but I do...Thank you, Ma and I love you so much! Please watch over us and please, Ma, help me live my life without you.

Rest in Peace, Mommy...

We will never walk together again, Mommy. But I ask you to walk with me and through me as I continue to journey my life without you. I love you so much, Mommy! Rest in Peace....

Dear Jheng

Dear Jheng,

Look at you now! You are much prettier than before. You look totally amazing.  Your curves define so much of your sex appeal. No wonder every guy would have a second look at you or should I say any man would fall in love with you.

You still are a delight to the eye. Still in shape and so fashionable. Your eyes still speak of your emotions.  Your smile is brighter than before.  You are as lovely as ever.

And even if you show a little sarcasm, you still possess that kindness in your heart.  You may seem to look "maldita" to others, but, they barely know that this lady is a total package. And if there is a word to best describe you, it would be beautiful.

So, how's life now? Been busy?

Yeah right! I heard you've been busy the past few months. But despite that I can see you're happy. I hope you are okay and life is treating you kind.  Your kids are your happiness. They've been achievers and that made you proud. That was one finest blessing.

Your family is your greatest possession. Oh, I can see how you love them. How proud you are of them.  And yes, how you are so much loved by them.  Your husband loves you so much. Be grateful for that. Not all husbands love their wife the way your husband does. He told me you are his everything and that he'll do anything for you. He maybe miles and miles away but you are never away from his mind and heart. I know you know that.  You are his queen, remember that.  You are his reason to live and everyday he falls in love with you.

Life is not perfect.

If problems occur, don't forget to visit the Blessed Sacrament. I also heard you've been feeling low the past days. He is just waiting for you.  If burdens are too much too carry, He is right there willing to listen.

I know you are strong. I've known you ever since. The silent girl like a water that runs deep with so much thoughts and wisdom in mind. I very well know too, that you rarely give up. You are a fighter. Many things came to your life and even up to this very moment you stand proud.

If somebody is trying to pull you down, always remember that nobody can put a good man down.
You may have had your share of mistakes and wrong doings, I believe you've asked God's mercy and compassion.

I know you are praying hard for something. Be patient. Good things will come to those who patiently wait. Trust in God's timing. Nothing is impossible. Do not waste too much time on something that cause stress to your life. In any angle, they don't deserve your time and you don't deserve them, anyway.

The world has so much for you. as you always say, Life is beautiful. You are beautiful.

There is something I want to tell you.

Once again, you are about to begin a new chapter in your life. I want you to make it more happier and meaningful than the previous years. Be more matured, wise and practical but always keep your feet flat on the ground. Be thankful and be grateful for you are given another year to celebrate life. Be the Jheng I've always known - - - happy, jolly, gay, bright, kind, simple and humble. The Jheng who manages to smile even in pain and the Jheng who is compose at all times.

Always remember these things:

1. Continue sharing your wisdom. Always have that positive attitude even when situation calls you to break down. In that manner you are improving yourself.

2. Continue loving even if you are hurting.  In that way you are loving unconditionally.

3. Continue giving even if they want take something away from you. In that way you become unselfish.

4. Continue forgiving even if they don't do the same. In that way you become humble and meek.

5.Continue living even if there are pain and suffering. In that way you become strong.

6. Continue hoping even if the world is unkind. In that way you never lose your conviction.

7. And lastly, continue praying even if God does not grant your request immediately. He is just testing your faith.

God loves you, always remember that.

Prayer of Humility

Lord, I humble myself to you. I admit that I am a sinner. Forgive me for the many times I sinned. May your death on the cross be a constant reminder to me of how great your love is to mankind. Help me nourish my heart with kindness, love and compassion for others. Let me not judge others because of their mistakes because you never question me when I have my own share of wrong doings. Help me to forgive the people who caused me pain in the same way you did to me. Amen.

Today is Ash Wednesday. Let us repent and believe in the Gospel. 

This photo was taken during the 2014 Holy Week at the Manila Cathedral by Noli I. Yamsuan.

Thoughts on Happiness

I wrote this one way back in June 2011. I just feel the need to post it again to remind other people (even in my own little ways) that it is not money, power, fame and luxuries that matter in life.  

We now live in a world of greed where evil surrounds us everywhere. People nowadays are slowly turning into monsters in the face of an angel. 

On a positive note, I still see some possessing the virtues of Jesus and Mary.  And I still believe that what touches our heart is the  little act of kindness that brings joy to our inner being. And we must not forget that these material possessions  deteriorate.  They will pass eventually. They will fade without us noticing it. They will be in our grasp today but definitely gone tomorrow.

But the kindness, humility, compassion, love, forgiveness, joy and even pain and hardships will surely be our source of happiness. And these things will trace a smile in the face of the Lord and will be a wonderful way to show our gratitude and gratefulness to all the graces we received from Him.

May you find happiness and realization after you read these thoughts.


Thoughts on Happiness

Have you ever felt emptiness inside your heart?  That even if you possess all the luxuries and glamour in life, there is still a part of you that is missing? And that is happiness.

Happiness for me is the state of being contented with what you have in life whether materially or emotionally.  It is also being joyous and thankful that you have the chance of living and journeying in a world full of beauty.  Most of all, happiness is having inner peace.

What makes us happy?

There are many things that make us happy.  Things, persons, events, situations make us happy.  There are some people whose basis of happiness is through the possession of power, fame and of course money.  Money makes the world go round.  But money cannot buy happiness.  You can wear in your wrist the most expensive Tag Heur watch, or showcase your latest Ferrari car on the road or even own a million peso house in Forbes Park.  But you cannot buy happiness.  You may also have a dozen of friends which you go out with for a coffee in Starbucks or a lunch at Super Bowl but you cannot buy a bucket of happiness.  You may be the most influential people on earth or attain the highest ranking position in the office and yet one part of you is missing.  YOu are not happy at all.  It is useless.  We often recall those pains, hardships, struggles and travails in our lives.  But seldom do we look back the good things that happened to us, the people around us, our friends and families.  The best way to do is to count your blessings and believe me, you’ll never stop counting. That is happiness.

Happiness is something that cannot be bought.  It is a feeling.  It is within our hearts.  It is a state of fulfillment.  It is also an outcome of your act.  There are thousand ways to be happy and make other people happy.  Being human, we don’t aspire for the downfall of other people.  We also don’t expect our neighbors to do us big favors.  A little act of kindness and respect will make us happy and will make them happy, too.  I remember the thoughts of Mother Teresa, “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”  A simple Hi and Hello can brighten up a day. Doing something good to others without anything in return gives us a feeling of joy, comfort and relief.  It is by giving and sharing what you have to the needy that make us more like God. And what more could make us happy?  It is through forgiving and forgetting. When we let go of our grudges and throw away excess baggage in our lives, then, we will surely have a taste of happiness.

Happiness is also hurling away anger, jealousy, selfishness and pride.  Sometimes it becomes hard for us to heave these things from ourselves especially if it already becomes part of our daily life.  You certainly cannot attain happiness if you continue nourishing these evil things and nasty thoughts. These are the works of the devil. These evil ways might break you into pieces and sometimes it becomes too late for you to pick up those chunks. You’re nowhere now.  You’re all alone trying to befriend everyone around you. In that sense, you’re lost!

Happiness is also the result of trust.  If you know how to put trust to other people, then, in return, you will also feel that they trust you and it’s a nice feeling to be trusted by others.  Sometimes we have to open up ourselves, share our wisdom and be what you are.  You have to speak and at the same time know when to listen.  Do not pretend.  Do not wear various masks simply because you mingle with different people.  We have different personalities and that make us unique.  The challenge there is how you deal with society without exaggeration and pretention.  It is how you establish yourself to other people that even if you have committed mistake, they will still accept you and believe in you. More often than not we are uncomfortable saying sorry or pasensiya na. Sometimes it’s hard to do because we are embodied by our own insecurities. We fear of rejection.  Remember that you cannot please everybody and you cannot befriend everybody. Pity those who claim that they are a friend to all for they do not have a friend at all.  It is better to have 1, 2 or 3 friends around you who are real, true, sincere and loyal than to have a multitude of friends who tolerate your mistakes and cannot even give a bright direction to your life.  Just be yourself.  Be consistent.  Always be fair.  Always be courteous and give respect.  And most importantly, be humble.  Humility is a virtue.  And possessing that virtue makes us more human.  It’s not easy to say sorry but admitting that you’re wrong doesn’t make you less of a person.  It is one step forward to becoming a better person.

Happiness is being accepted and appreciated by other people.  It is actually part of the process of life.  You don’t need to brag yourself to them and speak of your accomplishments or what field you excel.  You don’t need to have expensive things to attract them to appreciate you.  We cannot buy love.  We also cannot buy friends.  We are loved by other people because of who we are and not for what we have.  We also love others because of who they are.  We accept them despite of their weaknesses. Friends become part of our life if they leave footprints in our hearts and if they continue touching our life with their sincerity and truthfulness.

Happiness for me is FAMILY.  It is nice to feel that one of the sources of happiness is our family.  They are the most significant gift God has bestowed upon us.  They are more than treasure.  They are the very reason why we continue fighting the challenges in life.  They are good reason to live and to love.  Our family is our LIFE with God as the center of everything.  It is fine to live in a typical house without enjoying some life’s pleasure and delight as long as you have your family with you.  Our happiness can be reflected through our words and deeds inculcated to us by our family.  We feel and we speak of happiness when we know and we feel that we are well loved and treated with respect.  Our parents as well our brothers and sisters are part of who we are.  They help us become a good person so let us love them.  Care for them.  Nurture them and of course, be proud of them.

When we talk of happiness, we go down from its very root, its source, its beginning and its end.  When we talk of happiness, we talk of God.  He is the primary reason of our happiness.  One way of showing how grateful and thankful we are for the abundance of His blessings is to keep our faith with Him.  If we always strengthen our faith in Him and we continue living in His ways, there is certainly bountiful happiness in us.  God is good so let’s keep Him always in our life.

I know that we all have different meaning and experience of happiness.  But I know that you will all agree with me when I say that happiness comes from within our hearts.  Happiness is seen through our eyes, the window to our soul.  Our eyes are glowing and glimmering if there is complete happiness in us despite our problems.  If there is real happiness inside your heart, then, you are beautiful!  Remember that inner beauty comes from within. Inner beauty is inner peace.  And I am very sure that you can wear that genuine smile.

So, smile! Be Merry and be HAPPY!